Letting Go
by MustBeLove99
Summary: Warning: MASSIVE SPOILERS for 4x8, if you haven't watched, don't read! Michael's abstract thoughts during the episode


_So this takes place during 4x08, if you haven't seen it, WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS_

_Essentially, it's Michael's thoughts, though not exactly as you might imagine. This was not originally what I meant to write, but this is what came out, so any thoughts, comments and constructive criticism would muchly be appreciated and I hope you all enjoy (though given what happened in the episode, I'm not sure enjoy is the right word). _

He couldn't smell anything, that was his first thought. The second was, was that really his first thought?

Yes, no, maybe? He couldn't tell, he didn't know when he had gotten here, this empty, dark, black space, it didn't matter anyway. He didn't know much, but he knew that much, time wasn't important right now. It wasn't as if he was sitting in some empty space with no way of telling the time and so he was innately whiting away the seconds, time just didn't matter anymore.

He pondered how he knew that.

And then he realised, he wasn't curious; not really, it was just the way he knew he should feel, the way he had imagined he should feel if he ever found himself in such a situation, but he didn't, he didn't feel anything. And that realisation of his lack of curiosity was in itself a revelation, as he further realised, that whilst he should've been concerned that he wasn't feeling anything, he wasn't even concerned about that, so to speak, it was just how he thought he should have felt.

It was strange, or at least, it should've been.

But here, in this empty space, if it was empty that was, he didn't feel any of this, he just thought that was what he should be thinking, and he knew, instinctively that he wasn't.

He wondered how he got there, he didn't know. He was just there.

Thinking back for a moment, he remembered faces, beeping noises, there had been confusion, urgency, so much of it, pushing and pulsing all around him, and yet at the same time, it was as if it had been dulled, distant, blurred at the edges and then removed. Somehow it had affected him, or been about him he knew that too, but it hadn't mattered, he was here now, wherever here was.

Floating, that was what he imagined it must have been like, here in this place, yet as far as he could tell, he had no body, could you float if you had no body?

Unable to come up with an answer, he thought back to the noise, the din that had been all around him before he came here. How did he get here? There had been the noise, the rushing, blood pounding through his ears, and then, he had been here, or maybe he had just always been here? No, he had definitely been somewhere before, he just couldn't remember.

Casting his thoughts back further, he tried to recall the noises and how he had felt, what sensations there had been, but he couldn't. He couldn't remember whether he had felt good or bad, if he was in pain, or not. He could tell he knew, there was a thought, just beyond his reach, he could sense it, and yet, there was no urgency, nothing telling him to reach out and grab it, it was just there, and he could not get to it, or perhaps, he did not want to.

He supposed it didn't matter anyway.

Nothing seemed to matter here.

It was just empty.

Black, or was there just nothing that seemed to be black?

He couldn't tell if he was curious or not.

He just kept thinking, apparently that was all you could do here.

'I'm leaving'.

The thought came out of nowhere, but he knew that it was true.

He _had_ come from somewhere, but he couldn't go back, he couldn't go on yet, someone had to let him go first.

Someone, he tried to think of who this someone would be, did they know he was here, or was he forgotten, did anyone know? Once again he couldn't tell, but some instinct assured him that they did. He had not been forgotten.

Dimly, be became aware of something beyond his sense, beyond his inability to see, smell, touch, hear or taste.

His memory told him that it was a light, and somewhere else, he knew there was a beeping noise. He couldn't remember what they meant, but he knew, that if he had his senses, they would be coming closer, and that meant something.

Slowly, he became aware that his surroundings were changing, and with it, the insistent beeping and light became louder and clearer as his sense started to return. Somewhere, someone was calling his name, except it wasn't calling, it was something else. This person wasn't asking him to come back, they were just saying his name. He couldn't hear it, but he could just tell.

There was sadness in that voice he knew, but also, a sense of letting go.

And he knew then that that was what was happening. Someone was letting go, and he knew that it was right, that they had to let go.

Imagining himself smiling and closing his eyes, he waited, as the light and the beeping came closer, and he was finally let go.


End file.
